Ghosting!

The term “Ghosting” was an unfamiliar term to me for a long time, although I have experienced it many times during the course of my pastoral ministry.

Ghosting is defined as follows: 

“The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” 

From a Christian perspective ghosting does great harm to the Body of Christ. Therefore, in the context of a given congregation the act of ghosting can be incredibly hurtful and troubling—and it doesn’t need to be. 

Additionally, from a clergy perspective the act of ghosting can be intensely painful.

Most clergy I know have ghosting stories to tell. I have heard numerous stories of how church members suddenly disappear (as if raptured) without one word of explanation. One day they are active in the congregation then the next day they vanish into thin air without one word of explanation.

When ghosting occurs clergy are prone to ask of themselves:

“Was I personally responsible for so and so’s disappearance?”

The pain of not knowing can be overwhelming for one whose life is committed to serving and caring for others.

I once had a young couple in my church who appeared to be deeply committed to our congregation. They were, for the most part, active members and regular worshipers on Sunday. On a personal level I thought I had a great relationship with this young family. 

But suddenly they disappeared without any explanation. They simply severed all communications with both the congregation and me as if we never existed.

Of course my initial assumption was that somehow I was the blame or personally responsible for their sudden departure. To this day I don’t know why they left and probably never will know. 

I wish I could report that this was an unusual occurrence during my career as a pastor but I would be less than truthful if I did. I have experienced ghosting in all four of the churches I have served. I don’t recall ever being given an explanation in advance for the sudden disappearance of those who ghosted their church. 

In fact I cannot recall one church member ever coming to me and offering an honest explanation for their forthcoming departure—not once!

Therefore clergy are left playing mental gymnastics with their own emotions and thoughts as to why they were ghosted. Yet my sense is that I was far less responsible for these acts of ghosting than I initially imagined. 

The fact is that people leave churches for a variety of reasons: theological differences of opinion, or geographical reasons (church too far from home), or disagreement over how the church’s money is being spent, or personal conflict with another church member, or no youth or children’s ministry, or conflict within the family unit itself; the reasons are many.

But here’s the point: Ghosting in the church is a cruel and cowardly act. It’s not a charitable act based on the love of Christ we share with one another. Jesus would prefer that we treat each other with loving honesty and wise transparency. 

Finally, from a clergy perspective ghosting can be both disruptive and harmful. This is especially true of pastors who have been clear with their congregations that they are open to the honesty and transparency of all church members. 

For example, how many of clergy have lovingly told their congregations from the pulpit or at least frequently communicated this invitation in written form in newsletters or correspondence to church members: 

“If you have an issue with the church or me personally please come talk to me about it in private; let’ work it out together.”

Ghosting a friend, a family member, or a pastor is cruel and unkind. Ghosting violates the spirit of Christian love as an act of kindness. It should be avoided no matter how difficult the challenges of honesty and transparency are. Don’t you think?